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Zero F*cks – a rumination on confidence and honesty

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One of the most difficult things about dating in the aftermath of my last relationship is the question of when to oh-so-casually mention THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME and how to paint it in an authentic but not terrifying light.  It’s complicated stuff: bring it up too early on or emphasize the trauma too much and I give the misleading impression that the betrayal still rules my life, but mention it too offhandedly or gloss over the pain I’m still working through and I give the equally inaccurate impression that I’m completely over it – or worse, that I wasn’t completely devastated because I didn’t invest my entire self into the relationship.

It also brings up the complex issue of my self-confidence.  Nearly everyone assumes that my self-worth must have been completely shattered by what my ex did to me, but it wasn’t.  Which is kind of odd, given how fragile (at times almost non-existent) it was before.  Yet somehow, although the betrayal destroyed my life and eviscerated my happiness, even threatened my will to live, for some strange reason it didn’t make me feel worthless.*  I felt devastated and victimized and furious, but he was the idiot, the asshole, the worthless piece of shit who was capable of doing such unbelievable harm to the person he claimed to love most in the world.

In the midst of the worst pain I’d ever experienced, I became sort of emotionally invincible.  My friends and I called it ‘no fucks to give’ – I was an empty shell, crying all day every day and barely surviving, but I wasn’t scared of anything.  Nothing could possibly knock me lower than the rock bottom where I lived, and nothing could ever hurt me worse than I was already hurting.  I went on boatloads of dates in my first months back in San Francisco, never worrying that I would be too unattractive (weird, right?) or not charming enough (as if that’s even possible!  See?  Where does that cockiness COME FROM?).  If I didn’t get a callback, I didn’t sweat it for a second – on to the next!  I was trying to pack in seven years of missed dating opportunities, after all, and implied rejection (and even the odd overt rejection) was surely a part of that.

An unexpected side effect of the ‘no fucks to give’ attitude was actually increased interest from men.  I quickly found myself having to learn how to let dudes down easy, not a skill I ever imagined myself needing (nor one that spared me some awkwardness and them some hurt feelings).  But it also meant that the dates kept rolling in, some of them second and third (even fifth and sixth!) dates.  And the only problem I had with that – besides the terrifying potential for one or both of us to get more hurt the more time we spent together – was that the more dates I went on with someone, the closer we marched toward the inevitable conversation.

I wouldn’t blame any of you for wondering why I even broach such a fraught topic at all – many people have advised me against it.  But despite having zero fucks left to give about my own potential emotional harm (and this is less and less the case as I heal, which is great and also scary), I do have one huge concern: I’m terrified of causing emotional damage to someone else, of hurting someone as a direct result of how badly I’ve been hurt.  You see, the one area of my self-worth that has almost never wavered is my secure confidence that I don’t hurt people if I can help it.  I’m an empath, and a genuinely good person – it’s difficult for me to state anything positive about myself so boldly, without caveats or maybes or seeminglys, but I stand by this statement. 

I can’t promise I’ll never hurt anyone as a result of the damage my ex has done me; I do think I’ll be less quick to give future partners the benefit of the doubt, and I may be more suspicious or jealous of their female friends or coworkers (hopefully that will be fixable with a bit of effort on the parts of the partner and friend/coworker).  But at least if I’m honest, with myself and with potential partners, I can be relatively sure I’m doing my bit to minimize hurt, allowing them to make their own decisions based on my openness and honesty.

That’s a courtesy I was denied in my last relationship, and every day I’m more certain of how important it will be in any future relationship(s) upon which I might embark.



*Don’t worry, my ego is kept well in check by the soul-sucking experience of this seemingly endless job hunt.

Comments

Emily said…
I love you so much. This is a beautiful post.
xxxx
Anne said…
I love YOU so much. I'm glad you liked the post (and rereading it before commenting meant I caught a couple typos, so thanks for that too!).
xoxoxoxo

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