-->
One
of the most difficult things about dating in the aftermath of my last
relationship is the question of when to oh-so-casually mention THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME and how to paint it in an authentic but not terrifying
light. It’s complicated stuff: bring it
up too early on or emphasize the trauma too much and I give the misleading
impression that the betrayal still rules my life, but mention it too offhandedly or gloss over the pain
I’m still working through and I give the equally inaccurate impression that I’m
completely over it – or worse, that I wasn’t completely devastated because I
didn’t invest my entire self into the relationship.
It
also brings up the complex issue of my self-confidence. Nearly everyone assumes that my self-worth
must have been completely shattered by what my ex did to me, but it
wasn’t. Which is kind of odd, given how
fragile (at times almost non-existent) it was before. Yet somehow, although the betrayal destroyed
my life and eviscerated my happiness, even threatened my will to live, for some
strange reason it didn’t make me feel worthless.* I felt devastated and victimized and furious,
but he was the idiot, the asshole,
the worthless piece of shit who was capable of doing such unbelievable harm to
the person he claimed to love most in the world.
In
the midst of the worst pain I’d ever experienced, I became sort of emotionally
invincible. My friends and I called it
‘no fucks to give’ – I was an empty shell, crying all day every day and barely
surviving, but I wasn’t scared of
anything. Nothing could possibly knock
me lower than the rock bottom where I lived, and nothing could ever hurt me
worse than I was already hurting. I went
on boatloads of dates in my first months back in San Francisco, never worrying
that I would be too unattractive (weird, right?) or not charming enough (as if
that’s even possible! See? Where does that cockiness COME FROM?). If I didn’t get a callback, I didn’t sweat it
for a second – on to the next! I was
trying to pack in seven years of missed dating opportunities, after all, and
implied rejection (and even the odd overt rejection) was surely a part of that.
An unexpected side effect of the ‘no fucks to give’ attitude was actually increased interest from men. I quickly found myself having to learn how to
let dudes down easy, not a skill I ever imagined myself needing (nor one that
spared me some awkwardness and them some hurt feelings). But it also meant that the dates kept rolling
in, some of them second and third (even fifth and sixth!) dates. And the only problem I had with that
– besides the terrifying potential for one or both of us to get more hurt
the more time we spent together – was that the more dates I went on with
someone, the closer we marched toward the inevitable conversation.
I wouldn’t
blame any of you for wondering why I even broach such a fraught topic at all
– many people have advised me against it.
But despite having zero fucks left to give about my own potential
emotional harm (and this is less and less the case as I heal, which is great
and also scary), I do have one huge concern: I’m terrified of causing emotional
damage to someone else, of hurting someone as a direct result of how badly I’ve
been hurt. You see, the one area of my self-worth
that has almost never wavered is my secure confidence that I don’t hurt people
if I can help it. I’m an empath, and a
genuinely good person – it’s difficult for me to state anything positive
about myself so boldly, without caveats or maybes or seeminglys, but I stand by
this statement.
I
can’t promise I’ll never hurt anyone as a result of the damage my ex has done
me; I do think I’ll be less quick to give future partners the benefit of the
doubt, and I may be more suspicious or jealous of their female friends or
coworkers (hopefully that will be fixable with a bit of effort on the parts of
the partner and friend/coworker). But at
least if I’m honest, with myself and
with potential partners, I can be relatively sure I’m doing my bit to minimize
hurt, allowing them to make their own decisions based on my openness and
honesty.
That’s
a courtesy I was denied in my last relationship, and every day I’m more certain
of how important it will be in any future relationship(s) upon which I might embark.
*Don’t
worry, my ego is kept well in check by the soul-sucking experience of this
seemingly endless job hunt.
Comments
xxxx
xoxoxoxo