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All night on the beach til the break of dawn??

In a little over a month I’ll be heading to Miami for a weekend reunion with my college girlies. Sun, drinks with umbrellas, lounging on the beach… sounds great, right? Well, yes. And also no.

While I’m psyched to be seeing my girls, I’m less than thrilled about the location. At first I thought this was due to my heart already having been set on meeting in saint louie, because who wouldn’t want to visit Miami? But recently I’ve realized that although I do want to visit Miami at some point, I’m worried about how it’ll affect me right now. Lemme ‘splain.

As you all know, I’ve been pretty rough on my body recently. Surprisingly, I’m not always so down on myself, but ever since I came back from London I’ve had a tough time liking myself. Anyway, I joined a gym in January and I’ve been pretty good about going three times a week, and I have started to see some tightening up and such (although I’ve actually gained a couple pounds), but I still feel really vulnerable to attacks of the body sads.

I don’t know about anybody else, but when I hear ‘Miami’ I think ‘thongs’ and ‘bodies’ and ‘sex.’ Not that I have anything against any of those words, per se, but the image I get is of bronzed women with tiny waists and high, round asses. Basically, perfection. Which I will probably never achieve, in the societal sense. Not only that, but I’m not even skinny with no ass, or curvy with a little extra meat but firm. I’m, as described in the last post, jiggly.

So of course I’m terrified of the beach, because the only thing to do there is lie around and let it all hang out. Even the pool is better, because it’s semi-private and I can always jump in the water and pretend it’s opaque. But the beach is all about lying around with your bits squishing out and trying to tan as much of your skin, excess or otherwise, while people stroll by and check you out (and either whistle or vomit internally).

I know we’re not going to spend all our time on the beach, and hopefully not everybody in Miami is hot anyway, but the fear is still keeping me from getting as excited as I should. I guess if worst comes to worst I’ll just pull a Miranda (from SATC), wear a bunch of cover-ups, and blame my pale skin. But I’d really like to get a tan…

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Sara said…
when i think of miami, i think of overly bronzed women, with dried-out bleach blond hair. skinny, yes. perfection? no.

don't compare yourself to others! i do it all the time, and it is very self-destructive. i think about how others prettier than me, better dressed, have more friends, and generally are superior to me based on superficial assessments, and i'm trying to stop. what we see and envy from the outside does not always reflect reality. most likely the skinny/tan people are riddled with insecurities and see myriad deficiencies in their own lives. you especially should not allow skinny, tan rollerbladers prevent you from enjoying a long-awaited visit with your friends.

i know you have heard this kind of thing many times, but it's always good to hear. you are beautiful, and you should never let someone else make you feel bad about your own body/life/whatever.

i mean, if a chair can be happy his (its?) lot in life, can't we learn to accept ourselves?
11 March 2009 at 19:12
Anne said…
you're right, i know, but it's so hard to remember that skinny/orange isn't perfect when lindsay lohan is such a goddam sex idol. or so say the media.
if only i could be as happy as the chair (or derek)!
11 March 2009 at 21:40
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