This past year, and especially the past two months, has/have been crazy for me: exciting, surreal, stressful, surreal, and extremely busy. I mentioned surreal twice because that's the feeling that comes through the strongest whenever amazing things happen to me – this is probably because I spent so much of my life thinking I'd be content just to hit 'average' on the excitement/pleasure scale of life (no pun intended).
Whatever the reason, it's a serious issue of mine; when something wonderful happens to me, I'm so blindsided and disbelieving that it's actually hard for me to enjoy it. It took me a year and a half to relax into my relationship with my boyfriend; I went through the entire book publishing process in a fog of disbelief, and I'm still not sure I believe it; and now I have something else to convince myself is true: I'm engaged.
Yes, my boyfriend is now my fiancé. I won't give you any proposal or ring details, because I'd like to cling to what shreds of privacy I haven't yet obliterated (I haven't even changed my Facebook relationship status yet), but suffice it to say it was romantic to an extreme, and I'm still in shock – I suspect long after the wedding I'll still be calling him my boyfriend sometimes and waking up in the middle of the night going "is this real life?"
Ten years ago, I thought I would never have a 'real boyfriend'; I assumed I would spend my life in and out of quasi-relationships with half-committed men who treated me just-okay at best, because that was what I would have settled for. But somehow – and I still can't quite believe it – I fell into a relationship with someone extraordinary instead. I met a guy who was weird and funny and intelligent and handsome, and for some reason he chased me. And he treated me better than I ever thought I deserved, and we stayed together for six and a half years, through long distances and bad patches and all the crazy I could throw at him, and now we're getting married.
It's so amazing it doesn't feel real. But I'm pretty sure it is, and that's all I need. If this is all an elaborate delusion just promise me one thing:
Never wake me up.
Whatever the reason, it's a serious issue of mine; when something wonderful happens to me, I'm so blindsided and disbelieving that it's actually hard for me to enjoy it. It took me a year and a half to relax into my relationship with my boyfriend; I went through the entire book publishing process in a fog of disbelief, and I'm still not sure I believe it; and now I have something else to convince myself is true: I'm engaged.
Yes, my boyfriend is now my fiancé. I won't give you any proposal or ring details, because I'd like to cling to what shreds of privacy I haven't yet obliterated (I haven't even changed my Facebook relationship status yet), but suffice it to say it was romantic to an extreme, and I'm still in shock – I suspect long after the wedding I'll still be calling him my boyfriend sometimes and waking up in the middle of the night going "is this real life?"
Ten years ago, I thought I would never have a 'real boyfriend'; I assumed I would spend my life in and out of quasi-relationships with half-committed men who treated me just-okay at best, because that was what I would have settled for. But somehow – and I still can't quite believe it – I fell into a relationship with someone extraordinary instead. I met a guy who was weird and funny and intelligent and handsome, and for some reason he chased me. And he treated me better than I ever thought I deserved, and we stayed together for six and a half years, through long distances and bad patches and all the crazy I could throw at him, and now we're getting married.
It's so amazing it doesn't feel real. But I'm pretty sure it is, and that's all I need. If this is all an elaborate delusion just promise me one thing:
Never wake me up.
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