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Back to where I started, again.

So it’s week 6 of the new calorie-counting lifestyle. I’ve finally lost that 3 pounds I gained the first week (gah), but I haven’t lost anything else yet. However, I have noticed some general changes, both good and bad. I figured it was about time to update.

Pros:
I feel better about my body, even though I haven’t really lost any weight– I feel less bloated, leaner, and stronger. Of course this could have to do with all the exercise I’ve been doing, and the type; my desire to eat more calories is a great motivator to work out harder and longer, and I’m learning what exercises (and just daily activities) are more calorie burning than others. I think I’m starting to see calories as something akin to money in my life: I have a finite amount, which I spend on some things over others, but I can earn more with a little hard work. So as a result I’ve been trying to do hard core exercise (like tae bo, which burns 595 calories in 40 minutes) 2-3 times a week, and throw in pilates (66 calories for 30 minutes) or walking (130 calories for 30 minutes) on my off days, if only to get that extra chocolate caramel in there somehow. It’s really making a difference in my arms, legs, and stomach. Under the excess skin and fat…

Cons:
I spent all day watching my intake and watching the clock, wishing the minutes would tick by just a little faster and get me through to the last two hours of the day, when I can eat without worrying. I usually eat about 600 calories by midday, and then I spend the loooong afternoon trying to conserve, so that when dinner costs me less than I expect (which it inevitably does), I can eat pretty much whatever I want (within reason) before bed. As much fun as this means for the late hours in the day, and as good as it is in that it generally has me ending under budget every day, I think it’s generally unhealthy. For one thing, time already goes by way too fast for me; I don’t need to spend the little time I do have wishing it would go faster for the sake of a few chocolate covered raisins. Secondly, I think it allows me to keep my pattern of self-denial and binging, albeit a much calmer version. I spend all my energy and time thinking about calories, and either patting myself on the back for denying myself so effectively or trying to contain myself and treat myself in a controlled fashion. I haven’t really spent much time berating myself for going overboard, mostly because I usually finish out the week under budget, but I worry that I’m becoming obsessed, in which case it’s only a matter of time before I’m getting myself down for every little slip-up.

Overall I think this is a good thing, as long as I’m careful. As my boyfriend pointed out today, I’m happier for having something in my life I can control, but I do think that’s dangerous and I need to keep a close eye on my behavior and how I relate to food. My goal is to keep up the calorie counting until I feel like I’m leveling out at a good size (not weight; although I would love to be down below the 200 mark again, the important thing is fitting back into my jeans), and then ease back and just try to keep certain lessons in mind. Those lessons are little snippets I’m learning every day, including what exercises to do when I want a high-intensity calorie burn, what foods are super satisfying for fewer calories (like sweet potatoes and pickles), and what foods to avoid at all costs, and only indulge in every once in a while (like bagels with cream cheese, which I adore).

So here’s hoping I can stick with the counting for a little longer, see some results, and then maintain those results without continuing to obsess. I’ll check back in soon and let you know how it’s going.

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