I’ve been so unhappy with my body recently. I can’t really figure it out. I’m eating fairly well, I haven’t gained any weight, my clothes still fit me…but for some reason every time I look in the mirror I look thick. And I don’t mean sexy black girl thick. I mean linebacker thick. Or just fat girl thick.
And it’s not even just that I feel fat. Today I forwent my usual padded push-up bra for my favorite lace underwire, which, although it doesn’t make my breasts look particularly large, makes them feel huge and fantastic. But today they just looked tiny, and flat, and then the rest of my torso as a result looked flabby and large. I’m still wearing the bra, but I feel awful.
And it’s not just my upper body. I mean, my hips and thighs have always been the biggest part of me, but usually I think they’re curvaceous and lately I think they’re just gargantuan. Somehow the subtle flow of their form, which used to be feminine and sexy, is now just heavy and cumbersome.
There's really no point to this post other than venting the icky feelings I've been experiencing lately. Rather than make myself vomit or take a razorblade to my thighs, I choose words as my release. Not that those other things don't appeal in the really bad times. Anyway, thanks for helping me purge the badness in a healthier way.
P.S. I feel obliged to mention that I’m never more inspired than when I feel shitty about myself, so I must apologize now for the fact that most of these posts are likely to err on the side of depressing/self-deprecating. You just have to trust me that I’m not always like this. In fact, I go through plenty of periods where I think I’m almost foxy. Well, almost.
And it’s not even just that I feel fat. Today I forwent my usual padded push-up bra for my favorite lace underwire, which, although it doesn’t make my breasts look particularly large, makes them feel huge and fantastic. But today they just looked tiny, and flat, and then the rest of my torso as a result looked flabby and large. I’m still wearing the bra, but I feel awful.
And it’s not just my upper body. I mean, my hips and thighs have always been the biggest part of me, but usually I think they’re curvaceous and lately I think they’re just gargantuan. Somehow the subtle flow of their form, which used to be feminine and sexy, is now just heavy and cumbersome.
There's really no point to this post other than venting the icky feelings I've been experiencing lately. Rather than make myself vomit or take a razorblade to my thighs, I choose words as my release. Not that those other things don't appeal in the really bad times. Anyway, thanks for helping me purge the badness in a healthier way.
P.S. I feel obliged to mention that I’m never more inspired than when I feel shitty about myself, so I must apologize now for the fact that most of these posts are likely to err on the side of depressing/self-deprecating. You just have to trust me that I’m not always like this. In fact, I go through plenty of periods where I think I’m almost foxy. Well, almost.
Comments